Beer 101

By, The Stumbling Scotty

 Alright kids, before you all go off running to your nearest supplier to seize the brew for the night, lets sit back and take some time to actually understand what you are buying.  Beer, the most popular beverage of high school students, made from fermented rice, barley, yeast, corn, hops, and of course water (the less the better!).  Lets start off with a few simple definitions.

ALE: this semi bitter beer usually has a higher alcohol % than other beers.  Ale offers the ladies a deep rich flavor to savor all the while managing to get fucked up.

Bitter Beer: just as the name says, this shit is bitter and for those lacking taste buds.  Some will find that bitter beers often tend to carry an after taste of something partially sweet.  With a brew that is supposed to give a bitter beer face one should hope that at least it has one up on the strength meter, which it does.

Bock: many have hitherto to experience that of a bock beer.  Brock is a dark, hearty lager that is edging on mildly sweet.  This type of lager is brewed from caramelized malt (not to be confused with malt liquor).

Ice:  no.  Ice does not automatically mean bitch beer.  A beer labeled ice simply put means that it has been brewed at a lower temperature, chilled at sub zero (which forms crystals which are later filtered out to leave a beer with a smooth taste and an above average alcohol %).  This is not to say that all the fine gentlemen should run out and grab a sixer of anything labeled “ice” (unless they don’t mind being looked down upon by fellow partiers as delicate drinkers.

Lager:  this type of beer is from mother the Arian mother of Germany meaning “to store.”  Lager is beer that is fermented at the bottom of the barrel, at extremely low temperatures for many months.

Lambic:  a type of beer that many have not been blessed to try yet.  A Belgian brew that consists of wheat mixed with fruit such as cherries, many types of berries, peaches and raspberries.  Expand the experience.

Malt Liquor: much associated with the hoods of Orinda (as if there were any).  Malt liquor retains its higher alcohol % by being fermented at a higher temperature. Cheap, easy to get, easy to drink.

Pilsner: a type of lager that is light and resembles that of lagers.  If you like hops and dry beer, this one is for you.

Sake: yes, sake is a beer.  Many confuse sake to be a wine.  They are fucking wrong.  It is brewed from rice however and is best served slightly warm or at room temperature.  Different and enjoyable.

Stout: a dark ale that is slightly bitter in composition.  This baby is made from strong roasted barley.

Trappist: yet another Belgian beer.  Also brewed in the Netherlands by the monks whose name the beer comes from.  A dark beer with a rather high alcohol %. 

Wheat: beer made with wheat, no surprises here.  A hint of raspberry or lemon is added to this beer to keep it from tasting like old water and grass.

Ok, now that that is settled, go out and spend that dinero.  And remember, they are not just ways to get piss drunk, but an experience.